24 ReeDQless
by genocideray
Summary: A bitingly sarcastic- well, at least-- nibblingly sarcastic, 24 fiction. Covers the plotline of an entire season. Features Heck Bowels, the CTU agent.


**La Obligatorie Disclaimére:  
24 and all related Characters and Institutions are property of Fox and the creators of 24. This script will not make money, so please don't sue me. Any resemblance to living or fictional people or persons is purely intentional, and not coincidental. Insults are meant in good fun. Please don't be mad.**

**Warning:  
Contains bad puns that may or may not require intelligence. Contains mild violence, half-nudity, bad singing, belly dancing and Elvis Presley impersonations.**

Starring:

_Heifer Superman_ as _Heck Bowels_

**Main Characters:**

Heck Bowels, CTU agent Bowels  
Mid-shelf Disaster, CTU agent Disaster  
Pony Auldmaider, CTU agent Auldmaider

**Supporting Characters:**

Addled Coughman, CTU analyst Coughman  
Chlorine O'Brain, CTU analyst O'Brain  
Obligatory CTU Mole, CTU agent Mole  
Random, Badguy, Minor villain Random  
Another, Random Badguy, More major villain Another  
Badass Evil Gal, aka Emothep, Main Villain Gal  
Him Bowels, Distraction  
Pursuit Adamants, to-be CTU agent Adamants  
Da Vid Palmee, President Palmee

Extras:

Evil Henchmen Numbers #1-50 EH  
CTU agents Number #1-30 CTU  
Ordinary By-passers Numbers #1-10 PPL#

Script

Voice-Over:  
Events occur in make-believe time.

**Scene 1: Evil Henchmen #1 and #2 in vehicle in Idyllic American Town**

EH1:  
You got it, Evil Henchman #2?

EH2:  
Yeah, yeah, hurry up so we can do something that CTU can detect.

EH1:  
What's CTU?

EH2:  
Cytosine Thymine Uracil, you idiot! They're the pyrimidines! Or purines. The nucleic acid things!

EH1:  
Oh. Why do we want them to detect us?

EH2:  
Because there wouldn't be a show otherwise. Now shuddup and drop the Obligatory Evil Ticking Device that will blow up the Nice American Building.

EH1:  
Oh. Okay! (Drops OETD)

EH2:  
Calls Random, Badguy We have done our job.

Random (Chin and mouth only):  
Good work, dudes. Now scram. Remember to drive slowly so they can catch you. And dudes? Put on your seatbelts.

(Both hang up, and EH1&2 drive off)

(OETD blows up, killing PPL #1-10)

**Scene 2: CTU, LA, Heck's Office**

O'Brain:  
Heck, you should look at this!

Bowels:  
Dammit! No curse words in my office unless it's "dammit", Chlorine!

O'Brain:  
I was just, like, calling your name.

Bowels:  
Oh, what is it?

O'Brain:  
An OETD just blew up a Nice American Building. There was a white van spotted moving away from the scene, and LAPD managed to capture them. Pony thinks this has to do with Random Badguy.

Bowels:  
I wanna interrogate them.

O'Brain:  
They're downstairs in Holding.

(Bowels and O'Brain come down stairs)

O'Brain:  
Pony and Mid-Shelf say you can do whatever's necessary to get the information.

Bowels:  
Understood.

**Scene 3: CTU, LA, Holding**

Bowels:  
Who told you to set the OETD off?

EH1:  
I'm not telling you anything.

Bowels:  
I'm prepared to use whatever's necessary to get this out of you!

EH1:  
I'm not telling you anything.

Bowels:  
Fine. (Starts stripping)

EH1:  
W-W-What are you doing?

Bowels:  
I'm going to belly dance till you tell me all you know.

EH1:  
No! No! I'll tell you everything!!

Bowels:  
Dammit, I _never_ get to show any of my moves off.

**Scene 4: CTU, LA, Situation Room**

Bowels:  
We confirmed that Random Badguy is the person behind the OETD today. Both Evil Henchmen admitted that. They both, however, don't know about where he might be.

Auldmaider:  
Do we have any known locations of Random?

O'Brain:  
Addled and I have worked out a list of possible places where he's hiding.

Disaster:  
Well, what's the most probable one?

Coughman:  
Behind Heck.

Auldmaider:  
Huh?

O'Brain:  
Well, it's based on the fact that he'd be at the least likely place, so we'd never think to look there.

Disaster:  
And you're sure about this?

O'Brain:  
Yes. We checked the area with infrared and there's always a heat source behind Heck.

Bowels:  
But I do have an exceptionally hot butt.

Coughman:  
Not that hot.

Bowels:  
You're just jealous.

O'Brain:  
No, it's definitely Random. The heat source lags when Heck turns corners.

Auldmaider:  
Alright, we'll start planning for a tactical strike.

Mole:  
Excuse me; I have to go to the toilet.  
(Runs to toilet and calls Random)  
They found your location, get out of there!

Random:  
Where do you suggest?

Mole:  
Behind Auldmaider!

Random:  
'Kay, done!

Mole:  
Returns to the room

Disaster:  
Okay, Heck, are you ready to turn around?

Bowels:  
Yeah, I'm going in. (He turns around and no-one is there) Dammit! I do not have target, repeat, I do not have target.

Auldmaider:  
We must have a mole in here.

Mole:  
(pales)

Coughman:  
I think I know who it is!

Disaster:  
Who?

Coughman:  
It's Obligatory CTU Mole!

Mole:  
No, I'm not the mole! I'm innocent!

Auldmaider:  
Then why is your name "Obligatory CTU Mole"?

Mole:  
(Gulps)

Disaster:  
Take him down to Holding.  
(CTU 1&2 enter and drag Mole off)

Auldmaider:  
Heck, you can do the interrogation.

Bowels:  
Who can?

Disaster:  
(Rolling Eyes)  
_You_ can.

Bowels:  
**_YESSSSSSSSSS!_**

**Scene 5: CTU, LA, Holding**

Mole:  
I wanna cut a deal!

Bowels:  
Youre in no position to be making demands.

Mole:  
Oh yeah? Lemme tell you, I'm impervious to your belly dancing!

Bowels:  
We'll see.  
(starts stripping)

Mole:  
You'll never get it out of me by torture!

Bowels:  
(Belly dances)

Mole:  
Auuuugh! Mommy, save me!!

Bowels:  
Where. Is. Random????

Mole:  
I'm not gonna tell you!!

Bowels:  
(Belly dances)

Mole:  
Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!

Disaster (in Observation):  
Think he'll break?

Auldmaider (in Observation):  
Everybody breaks eventually. He'll cave.

Disaster:  
If he doesn't?

Auldmaider:  
Heck's gonna start his Elvis impersonation. We _have_ to get the information out of him, Mid-Shelf.

Disaster:  
I know, Pony, but... Heck singing...? That's inhuman!

Auldmaider:  
It's the job.

Disaster:  
Hold me, I'm scared!

Auldmaider:  
(Hugs Disaster)  
It's gonna be alright. We'll run away when Heck starts singing.

Bowels (in Interrogation):  
Where. Is. Random???

Mole (in Interrogation):  
I'm not gonna tell you!

Bowels:  
Listen. If you don't start talking, I'm gonna start impersonating Elvis. You know what that does to people. So, tell me. Where. Is. Random??

Mole:  
Never!

Bowels:  
(In a fake baritone)  
(Auldmaider and Disaster run)  
_Love meeeeeeeeeee Teeeeendeeeerrrrrr..._

Mole:  
No!!!!! Stop!!!! I surrender! Sobs Uncontrollably  
He's behind Auldmaider! Please, please, stop singing Elvis! I'll tell you everything I know!

**Scene 6: CTU, LA, Situation Room**

Auldmaider:  
Okay, we're going to have to plan this well. CTU agents #4 and #5 come up on my left, CTU agents #6 and #7, my right, Heck will come from my back, and I'll turn around.

Disaster:  
What about CTU agent #3? He hasn't appeared.

Auldmaider:  
Actually, he has. He didn't manage to get out of Observation in time, and died of intestinal hemorrhage.

Disaster:  
Ow.

Auldmaider:  
Yeah. Okay, we have to take Random alive. Everyone, ready? Go, go, go!

(CTU #4 and #5 come up from the left; CTU #6 and #7 come up from the right; Bowels comes up from Auldmaider's back and Pony turns around.)

(EH #3-20 appear out of nowhere. Bowels shoots them dead.)

(Random fires at Bowels, but his shots never hit him, instead they ricochet and CTU #4,5,6 and 7 all die.)

(Auldmaider puts his gun at Random's neck)

Auldmaider:  
Drop the gun!

Random:  
Eeep. Dudes, like, chill.  
(Drops gun)

Bowels:  
We've got him!

**Scene 7: CTU, LA, Holding**

Bowels:  
Why did you ask Evil Henchmen #1 and #2 to drop the OETD?

Random:  
'Cause yo momma so fat, that when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.

Bowels:  
(Slams him onto wall)  
I'm not playing games.

Random:  
Of course you're not, of course you're not.  
(Cackles madly)

Bowels:  
Tell me why!

Random:  
(Singing (quite well))  
Ain't nothin' but a heartache.

Bowels:  
Tell. Me. Why!

Random:  
Dude, your timing's like, so totally off.

Bowels:  
Huh?

Random:  
It's "tell me why-ee", not "Tell. Me. Why."

Bowels:  
You want me to sing? You want me to sing?  
(clears his throat)  
_Love meeeee teeeendeeeeeeeerrrrrr_...  
(stops when Random starts laughing)  
You think this is funny?

Random:  
Dude, you're so off-key! Tell ya what, if you promise to never do karaoke, I'll tell you what's goin' on, okay?

Bowels:  
No karaoke?

Random:  
No karaoke.

Bowels:  
Clenches jaws  
Fine. Now, tell me.

Random:  
Okay, I'm workin' for this guy named Another, Random Badguy. He's workin' for a woman named Badass Evil Gal or Emothep. Badass has a Good Pronunciation Bomb or GPB that will make the Presidents all able to pronounce words like "nuclear" properly, and not make up words like "mis-underestimate", which will like, totally undermine his public ratings. Badass will drop the GPB unless you agree to her demands. You need to capture Another to get Badass, and probably call President Palmee to give Another a pardon. The OETD was dropped so we could get your attention.

Bowels:  
Dammit!

Random:  
What?

Bowels:  
You just told me everything!

Random:  
Yeah, dude, ain't that whatcha wanted?

Bowels:  
No! You're just supposed to tell me "I'm working for Another, Random Badguy, and we dropped the OETD to bring the great American military to its knees." And then cackle evilly.

Random:  
Why, for God's sake?

Bowels:  
So I can find all this out in the nick of time, and just barely stop you guys, dammit!

Random:  
Oh. Okay, scratch the earlier speech. Ahem. I'm working for Another, Random Badguy, and we dropped the OETD to bring the great American military to its knees. And then cackle evilly.

Bowels:  
Dammit! No, you're supposed to cackle evilly, not to say it!

Random:  
Dude, chill, I'm new here, okay?  
(Cackles evilly)

Bowels:  
We will stop your nefarious plan!

Random:  
Never!!!

Bowels:  
You're getting the hang of it. Where is he hiding?

Random:  
An abandoned warehouse at 24 Istoocool Street.

Bowels:  
(Runs out of Holding)

**Scene 8: CTU, LA, the Floor**

Bowels:  
Addled, Another Random Badguy.

Coughman:  
Oh, congrats. How did you addle him?

Bowels:  
No, no, Random is working for Another Random Badguy. I need you and Chlorine to search for the name, and see what aliases you come up with. Also, make sure he's at 24 Istoocool Street.

Coughman:  
Sheesh. Fine.

(CTU phone rings)

(O'Brain picks up)

O'Brain:  
Heck, it's Him on line 1.

Bowels:  
Wow, good work, you two! And Chlorine, only "dammit" allowed, remember?

O'Brain:  
No, it's Him Bowels. Your daughter? She wants to talk to you.

Bowels:  
Dammit. I thought you two were that fast.  
(picks up phone)  
Hi, Him.

Him:  
Daaaaad! I'm going crazy with boredom. Can I come work at CTU?

Bowels:  
No! It's too dangerous. Besides, I have no good-looking young men that you can flirt with. Call me once I've gotten a guy named Pursuit Adamants with a really gigantically wide jaw.

Him:  
You're no fun.  
(sulks)

Bowels:  
It's for your own safety, Him. Now can we stop digressing from the plot and start talking about Another?

Him:  
Fine.  
(Slams phone down)

Bowels:  
Where are we on finding Another?

Auldmaider:  
Another what?

Bowels:  
You mean Another Who?

Auldmaider:  
Huh?

Bowels:  
The target's name is "Another Random Badguy."

Auldmaider:  
Oh. Sheesh.

O'Brain:  
Well, we're using infrared on the address, but there's too much heat coming off the ground and the surroundings.

Bowels:  
Why, is there a volcano or something nearby?

O'Brain:  
Uhm, no, but they are filming Supernatural in that area.

Bowels:  
Why is that giving out heat? The cameras or something?

Disaster:  
No; because Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki are there, you idiot!

Bowels:  
Can you eliminate the heat from that source?

Coughman:  
We could try a Fangirl Filter.

Auldmaider:  
Do it.

(Coughman and O'Brain tap away at the keyboard)

O'Brain:  
Okay, looks like there are a large number of people at the address. The information seems quite accurate.

Bowels:  
Coughman, does Another have any aliases?

Coughman:  
Yeah, but they're um, strange.

Bowels:  
What are they?

Coughman:  
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Paris Hilton, and Michael Jackson.

Disaster:  
Are you sure?!?

O'Brain:  
Check the script if you don't believe us.

Auldmaider:  
It doesn't matter how absurd his aliases are; we have to bring him in for questioning. Mid-shelf and I will run point. Heck, you head up the field team.

Bowels:  
Who're you talking to?

Auldmaider:  
You! Heck is your name! No-one curses with the word "heck" any longer; it sounds dumb! So the next time someone says "heck", it's you they're referring to!

Bowels:  
Oh. Okay, I'll head up the field team.

Disaster:  
Okay, let's move!

**Scene 9: 24 Istoocool Street, LA**

Bowels:  
Okay, CTU agents #8-15,I want you to cover the exits. I'll go in from the front. Pony, Mid-shelf, do you copy?

Disaster:  
We copy.

Bowels:  
Is Chlorine there?

O'Brain:  
Yes. What do you need?

Bowels:  
Train the satellites at the building, just in case anyone tries to run. I'm going in.  
(runs into warehouse)

(EH #21-30 appear and start shooting)

Bowels:  
(sings a high-C note)

(All EH die)  
(CTU #8-15 convulse on the floor)

Bowels:  
Hostiles are all down, but we need medics!

Auldmaider:  
Copy that, Bowels. Medevac teams on their way.

Bowels:  
(runs off after Another, who takes potshots at him)  
(is shot through the head, and flops over)

(Another goes into a specially prepared room and locks the blast door)

Disaster:  
Agent Bowels! Do you copy?

Bowels:  
Only in minor exams! Don't tell the teachers!

Auldmaider:  
You...­ you...­ you're alive!

Bowels:  
Why wouldn't I be?

Auldmaider:  
You were shot through the head!!

Bowels:  
Wounds don't bother us, remember?

Auldmaider:  
But you're supposed to be dead! You aren't wearing a helmet!

Bowels:  
I'll get over it.  
(he examines blast door)  
The target appears to have locked himself into a room with a heavy-duty blast door. Dammit! I can't get in with my gun. Ideas?

Coughman:  
All on-site CTU agents require medical assistance; we can't give you any backup.

Disaster:  
Is there anything sharp around?

Bowels:  
Oooh yeah!  
(Picks up a mining pick conveniently left around)

Auldmaider:  
Hack into the wall with it.

Bowels:  
(rushes headlong into the wall, holding pick)  
Dammit! That hurt! It didn't work.

Auldmaider (yelling):  
I _WASN'T_ SAYING YOUR NAME, I WAS ASKING YOU TO USE THE IMPLEMENT AND HACK _INTO THE WALL_. HACK WITH AN "A" NOT "E"!

Bowels:  
Dammit! Can someone change my name please?!?

Author:  
(snickers)  
Nope, it's too fun.

Bowels:  
Dammit!  
(Hacks into wall with pick, and arrests Another)

**Scene 10: CTU, LA, Holding**

Bowels:  
We know you were working with Random Badguy. Why?

Another:  
For bring benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan.

Auldmaider:  
Is one of your aliases Borat?!?

Another:  
No, actually, I just thought the line was funny.

Auldmaider:  
Jeez! This is an interrogation. Could you please be serious?

Another:  
Yeah, yeah.

Bowels:  
Tell me everything.

Another:  
Only if you get the President to sign me an immunity form.

Bowels:  
You're in no position to--

Auldmaider:  
Immunity from what?

Another:  
Bowel's singing and dancing.

Bowels:  
Hey!

Auldmaider:  
Fair enough. I'll get in touch with Palmee.

Bowels:  
_Hey!_

Auldmaider:  
Heck, relax.

Bowels:  
He insulted my singing!

Auldmaider:  
In national security V.S. your ego, national security wins.

Bowels:  
Dammit!

**Scene 11: CTU, LA, Pony's office**

Palmee:  
I understand that this Another is working with someone to bring America to its feet.

Auldmaider:  
Uh, knees, sir. But, yessir, I'm afraid so.

Palmee:  
And the only way to get his information is by giving him immunity?

Auldmaider:  
Yessir, from Heck's singing and dancing.

Palmee:  
That's fair enough. The document will be faxed over.

Auldmaider:  
Thank you, Mr. President.

Palmee:  
Give my regards to Heck. Don't mis-underestimate that man, he can stop a nuke-key-lear attack one-handedly.

Auldmaider:  
Yessir, will do, sir.

**Scene 12: CTU, LA, Holding**

Auldmaider:  
(throws the document in front of Another)  
Here. The immunity.

Another:  
(Reads it)  
Okay, that's good enough.

Bowels:  
Tell us what you know.

Another:  
I was working under the orders of a woman named Emothep.

Bowels:  
Emothep?

Another:  
Played by Arnoldia Vosloo, sister of Arnold Vosloo.

Bowels:  
The guy who plays Habib Marwan in the real 24?!?

Another:  
Yep.

Bowels:  
Dammit! He's better looking than me! But what does Emothep want?

Another:  
All the politicians in American must go back to grade school. According to the schedule, she'll call you at about five AM. If her demands aren't met, she'll drop a Good Pronunciation Bomb on the White House.

Auldmaider:  
That'll forever change the way we live!

Another:  
Then you'd better stop her in time.

Bowels:  
Where is she?

Another:  
I don't know.

Auldmaider:  
And the GPB?

Another:  
With Emothep all the time.

**Scene 13: CTU, LA, the Floor**

O'Brain:  
Emothep is also known as Badass Evil Gal. we've been tracking her by her good English grades for some time.

Coughman:  
She'll probably call us with an encrypted line, so we'll have to keep her on for as long as possible, so we can do passive triangulation.

Him:  
Why triangulation, not squaration or circulation?

Coughman:  
(Glares at Him)  
(CTU phone rings)

Gal:  
I want to speak to Heck Bowels.

Bowels:  
Yes?

Gal:  
By now you now I have many OETDS and I will not hesitate to use them as I have demonstrated.

Bowels:  
Oh?

Gal:  
Also, I have a GPB, which I will use if my demands are not met.

Bowels:  
Um. And they are?

Gal:  
All politicians must return to grade school.

Bowels:  
But the politicians aren't that smart! They dropped out of preschool, dammit!

Gal:  
That;s your problem, not mine. If you don't comply by 6:00, I will drop the GPB.  
(She hangs up)

Bowels:  
Dammit! Did you get a lock?

O'Brain:  
Yes! A factory, 36 Isthisshow Plustwelve Road.

Coughman:  
The satellite infrared detects heat signatures within 36 Isthisshow Plustwelve Road.

Disaster:  
Okay. Heck will take CTU agents #16-30 in, and capture Badass. Pony and I will run point.Questions?

Him:  
Do you have ballet shoes?

Disaster:  
Uh. No?

Him:  
Then how do you run pointe?

Auldmaider:  
_I _have a question.

Disaster:  
Pony?

Auldmaider:  
What's Him doing here?

Him:  
Ask my dad.

Bowels:  
Dammit, Him, I _didn't_ hire you!

Him:  
Yes, but Pursuit Adamants will be here by tomorrow. Anyways, I'd rather be at CTU helping. It's boring at home.

Disaster:  
Fine. Go help Addled and Chlorine do comm. Addled, use the other computer. Give this to Him.

Coughman:  
But Him's utterly useless!

Bowels:  
Say that about my daughter again, and your last memory will be me singing Elvis and dancing to it.

Coughman:  
(gulps)  
Okay, okay. Kim, could you pipe the infrared readings over to my system?

Him:  
What kind, PVC or copper?

Coughman:  
(buries head in hands)  
Never mind. Forget I even said anything.

**Scene 14: 36 Isthisshow Plustwelve Road, LA**

Bowels:  
Okay, teams, get ready. One, two, three, go!

(The teams storm the building)

(EH shoot all but wide-jawed CTU30 down)

(Bowels shoot all the EH down)

(Gal shoots at Bowels)

(Bowels shoots back)

(Both run out of ammo)

Bowels:  
Surrender!

Gal:  
Never!

(The remaining CTU agent conks Gal on her head)

Bowels:  
Good work! You've qualified to be a regular.

CTU30:  
Really?

Bowels:  
Yep. Your name's now Pursuit Adamants.

Adamants:  
Cool, I get to date your daughter!

Bowels:  
Dammit! I forgot about that. Well, it can't be helped anymore.

_bleep _

**5:59:57**

_bleep _

**5:59:58**

_bleep _

**5:59:59**

_bleep_

**6:00:00**

_beep_ beep** _beep_** **beep** _beep_ beep

Jack Bauer:  
Dammit! What the hell kind of dream was that?

**END**


End file.
